I have been bingeing and purging actively
desperately trying to rid all sort of emotions by stuffing my finger down my throat
the past two weeks.
It has led me to feeling somewhat inept lately.
It all starts from -
I'm hungry
to I'll eat a little more because I am hungry
to It's okay I can over-eat once in a while
to I think I am eating too much 
to I ate too much
to I have to purge this out
to Don't do it
to FUCK THIS SHIT!

I am a raging bulimic. 
At the same time I am an irresponsible lover -
It hurts me to see her take her leave but the Good Samaritan in me thinks she'd be better off without me - 
without the vicious grip of Ana and Mia on me overflowing, grippling her sanity. 
I can never ask for a better companion but my ED has the ability to trick me,
manipulating her never-ending support for my recovery
with sabotaging my everlasting quest for perfection. 

I have reduced my feelings to writing, purging out my emotions in the form of poetry, 
usually disguised as a lover pining for the return of her one true love.
Right now I am armed with my ink pen and an overused jotter book, 
left to defend for myself against the overpowering voices in my head. 
Triggering graphic images enough to scare a death-prone patient into total recovery 
has been thrown right in my face yet I still seem nonchalant.
My voice is drowned by the loud voices of Ana and Mia -
both ordering me what to do, all at the same time.
Either that or I am the adolescent hiding in my room - 
filled with nothing but fear, overhearing the bickering of my parents
debating about which school I should go to,
what course of study should I pursue,
when am I old enough to go out with my friends to the mall,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 

What led me here?
Am I finding the transition of growing up into adulthood intimidating?
Am I really afraid of gaining weight?
Am I using food to deal with my emotions?
Do I think that I am not good enough?
Do I feel that this is the only way I can be in control?
Do I not want to get out?
Is this my desperate plea for attention I've been denied of?
Is it fear that I change?
Is what I'm working towards to just a mere subtle suicide?

I don't know. All I know is that I won't stop until I am stripped to my bare essentials.

I am nothing but a pile of insecurities
A being made up of personalities and characteristics I absolutely detest
What's left of me is what's left of the best I've left for you
I do everything in the name of love - my obsession with perfection
My eyes are teary, my soul, weary
I look back and wonder who let me in the room - 
I look back - I only see you.

At this moment I'm reminiscing the times we've spent together 
The days you used to hold my hand so tightly just so I do not fall - 
Fall to the arms of unforgiving society          my loved ones
"Shut your ears, little one. Shut them out!"
you said as I cowered in the corner of my room
And now as I think back, it was you whom I should have shut out all along.

//////

I am prancing around this empty room, desperately trying to find something to love
About me, about this human who's standing in front of the mirror staring at me 
She's no fun, she's a heap of bore and a cumulation of disorders -
I hope you know where I'm getting at - 
At first life revolved around food and weight;
Who knew self-hatred and voluntary self-mutilation were included in the package too?
Gone were the days where I sat alone crying at night over the extra piece of bread I ate for dinner
Gone too were the days I stuffed myself with laxatives and cut myself with blades like a sinner
However, not gone you are. You lifted me up when I was down but pushed me down when I was up.
I can't decide if you are an angel in disguise of a devil or a devil in disguise of an angel but
I know as of right now it is hard for me to let go of you...of me.
Because a part of me is no longer you, I am no longer an entity of my own - I am you.

I have often heard about you;
Light-weight like a feather and
pale-white skin like snow.

I have often dreamt about you;
Long silky dress with a flower
tucked at the side of your right ear. 

I have often thought about you;
Wishing I look just like you and
not the slightest bit like me. 

I have often spoken about you;
My desperate attempt to get away when
it's beginning to be about you, me & your friend. 

I have often written about you;
Your presence still lingers and
my wall's still covered with your pictures.

but

I have rarely been happy with you;
Because I would find something else
to complain about myself.

from how my bones are not showing enough
to how dry my skin would get.

from how I could run a thousand miles without stopping
to how breathing becomes a conscious act when I am sleeping.

from "I just want to diet and lose some weight" 
to "I just want to starve and emaciate". 

from how I wish I could get better
to how I wish you are still here. 

Alas, you were such a magnificent sight.